“Tales From A Bathroom Stall” Coming Near You
Excerpts from Vera’s second novel coming in 2015
“If you’re a female who thinks she’s God’s gift to men, you’re my kind of woman,” Sweet Tits McGee, a new character from my second novel. She holds her red lipstick in her size DD bra; had a one night stand with a guy on Viagra; the first person listed in her cell phone is named “Asshole,” and her last husband had two Ph.Ds, but no matter how many titles he held, he was still a dipshit.
“That’s what I get for rushing into my yoga clothes. I didn’t realize that I put my shorts on backwards, my ass cheeks hanging out and my cellulite revealed to the free world. The older, sweaty, bald guy next to me exposed his penis through this thin spandex, the head sticking up. We’ll call it even.”
“To me, love is still caring for a man after you asked him, ‘What prison have you been to?’ and he responds, ‘All of them.’ ‘What where you charged with?’ I continue. ‘A list of things,’ he nonchalantly replies. I thought to myself: I could of shared my pussy with anyone. Granted, my previous encounter looked like a Ken doll, no penis. I still don’t know his last name because we are still on a first named basis. He described himself like that Giglamesh character, fucking the same prostitute for a week. To me, this didn’t seem like a waste of money, but what bothered me is that he had me feeling like a total paisa lady when he was in town for the weekend, doing his laundry and folding his socks. He was suspended from Barona Casino for his DUI. Apparently in California, if you voluntary check yourself into rehab, the states pays you for it, so he was breaking even with his monthly income. That’s the money he used to bribe me with my favorite creamy coated caramel ice cream from Cold Stone, right before the highway speed chase, before the guns were jammed into my skull, before my face was pushed into the concrete with the noisy residences snapping their iPhones at me while I was restrained in handcuffs. You see, the problem with love is that it doesn’t last.”